Posted by: bright1mike | March 23, 2009

The End of Civilization

The end is nigh!

Oh hello world,

This is Mike, and you’re going to end soon.
Not from war or plague or famine or invasion or countless other ways you could end. (yes that was a lot of “ors”).
The world is going to end because of horrible awkward situations, TV shows, musicals and movies. Is it just me or is everything becoming increasingly awkward? I mean, why do I have sit here and feel incredibly uncomfortable? Why are people putting me in this situation? I don’t go out every day looking to put myself in these situations.
Recently, the awkward uncomfortable situation was in the form of the new Toronto musical Spring Awakening. It was a great musical. The music was very well done, the costumes were nice, the acting was great and the awkward metre broke.
I don’t know whether or not it was the scene where the one 14 year-old boy whipped then beat his 14 year-old girlfriend with a stick after she begged him to beat her so she could “feel something real,” or the scene where one 14 year-old girl divulged how she is beaten daily by her father then followed that with a depressing song about incestual rape. You know what? It could have been the scene where one of the closet homosexual boys masturbated in the middle of the stage for 5 minutes while the rest of the cast danced around seductively.
No, that wasn’t it. You know what? I think it was when the main female character died because of an 1890’s style (coat-hanger) abortion gone wrong. Do you feel awkward yet? I do. Wait, I can pinpoint the moment it became awkward. It became awkward when the main male character exposed the breast of the main female character (both supposed to be 14 year-olds) then had sex with her on a swing while the rest of the cast held the swing and looked over the top of it like dogs at the side of the bed. This scene was then directly followed by intermission, so you had to sit there and look at everyone else in the theatre because the lights just came on. The intermission was followed by a more graphic extension of that sex scene, which now included thrusting. The difference is, that a preacher giving a sermon now replaced the cast.
The world will soon just be a series of awkward situations, then you die….sorry.

Ps. Spring Awakening is pretty good despite the awkward situations.

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Posted by: bright1mike | March 23, 2009

A Day Without Power

Hello World,
Do you remember when the power went out in Southern Ontario? I do. I was at work. Back then, when I had job security, I worked at Fortino’s as a dairy clerk.
It was amazing how many people panicked. I think it was the best day our store ever had. People were buying everything in sight, our shelves were practically bare. I think it was the first time the store had ever been sold out of ice. We, being me and my co-worker Brad, were instructed to pull all three skids of ice out to the floor. The skids were empty in less than an hour. That meant the equivalent of 100 bags per skid were taken. I thought it was funny, ice as a priority. It makes me wonder what generator sales were like that day.
I remember in the panic I heard conspiracists touting everything from war, to 9/11 part 2, to “it’s all a scam to sell more cell phones.” On the radio there were “unconfirmed reports” a plane had crashed into a power plan in the states. Wow, people really lost their shi…I meant minds. So while people were out stock piling and preparing for the end of civilization because we had no electricity. I was stocking shelves and mopping floors waiting to go home, and out with my friends.
I remember that night, my truck was in the shop (surprise surprise) so I borrowed my dad’s pick-up. There was something so surreal about that night as I dashed from one lit street to another completely black street. It seemed as though I was about to drive into a black blanket, because we couldn’t see anything beyond the light of the street lamps.
I always wondered what would happen if the power went out. Apparently everyone will buy a lot of unnecessary things and miss their favourite television shows.

Posted by: bright1mike | March 10, 2009

Keys

Hello World,

Why do I have so many keys?

I took a look at my keys yesterday and thought “wow, that is a lot of keys.” I may have used some less than favourable words because my keys happened to jab my leg.

On my key ring I have 11 items. 11 items? Who am I, a high school janitor? I don’t need 11 items on a key ring. Do I?

Let’s take a closer look at what I have.

  • 1. Mailbox Key

    Okay, maybe I need this one.

    Although, at 22 years of age, I’ve never received a letter in the mail from anyone, ever, not even a post-card. The only good news I’ve received was my acceptance to Niagara College, where I’ve been for the last four years.

    So, I guess I’ll put “needed” beside this one, despite all the bills and spam-mail.

    • 2. Keyless Entry ______ (Thingy? Controller? Remote? Button? What are these called?)

      Yeah, I need this too.

      I think this device has made everyone’s life easier. Especially when your hands are full and you don’t want to drop anything. It evens pops the trunk open for me, isn’t that helpful? Yes, it is.

      Put needed beside this one, even though I accidentally press the “panic” button sometimes.

      • 3. “The Club” key

        I’m on the fence about this one.

        Everyone knows what “The Club” is right? It’s an anti-theft device that stops your steering wheel from turning. I have it, but I don’t always use it. I guess I should probably have a key for it in case I do use I do use it though.

        Needed? Yeah, It makes sense to have.

        • 4. Saturn L300 Key

          I need this one.

          Until I can start a car using my telekinetic powers, I’ll probably need a key.

          Needed. There is no way around this one, unless I get rid of my car.

          • 5. Apartment Exercise Room Key

            Um…well…yeah.

            Yes, it is true. I do have a rarely used key to the exercise room in my apartment building. Even though I haven’t used it much, knowing that it is there is a type of motivation for me to think about getting into shape. But I have used it.

            Do I need it? Yes. Will I use it? Um…we’ll see.

            • 6. Apartment Door Key

              Definitely.

              I need to unlock and lock my door. This is not even disputable.

              Needed, until I figure out how to walk through walls or teleport.

              • 7. Apartment Building Key

                Definitely.

                Why do they lock the door to get inside my building? Oh yeah…criminals. I use this key at least twice a day. Although, I could probably just wait outside for one of the little old ladies who live there to arrive and follow them in. Er…I mean…that doesn’t work *wink* *wink*.

                Needed.

                • 8. Dad’s House Key

                  I think I need this one.

                  If I ever want to go home and root through the fridge for a free meal or do some laundry I’ll need this key. I could wait around for my dad to come home and let me in, but he’s always at work and I don’t have that kind of time.

                  Needed.

                  • 9. Mystery Key

                    Yeah, that’s right it’s a mystery key.

                    I have a key that I don’t use. I have a key that I don’t remember putting on my key ring. I have a key to which I have not found a lock. Where did I get this key? I have no idea. It’s definitely a door key. I know it’s not a car key or a pad-lock key. It definitely belongs to a door. A door I have never found. I just can’t bring myself to throw it away. What if I come to the locked door to which this key belongs? Whenever I meet a door that I’ve never met before I try my mystery key. It’s the hardest scavenger hunt I can think of.  It almost sounds like a ridiculously hard carnival game.

                    Carney – “Come one, come all to the greatest game ever played”

                    Rube (Carnival guest that always loses money on carnival games, pronounced “Roob”) – “How do you play?”

                    Carney – “You give me $10 and I give you this key, find the door this key goes to and you win any prize on this wall”

                    Rube – “Where do I find this door?”

                    Carney – “The world”

                    Rube – “Is it just doors?”

                    Carney – “I don’t know”

                    Me…. I mean Rube – “Sounds easy enough, I’m in”

                    3 Years Later = 100 doors, 12 sheds, three bike chains, one utility closet and no matches.

                    I don’t’ need this key. But I want it. It stays.

                    • 10. Mom’s House Key

                      I need this one.

                      How else will I be able to sneak my laundry in for my mom to do for me?

                      I need this one; my mom would be crushed if I didn’t show up randomly to “visit”.

                      • 11. Bottle Opener

                        Needed. Do I really need to defend this one? Thought not.

                         

                        Damn, I guess I won’t be able to lighten my load. Well at least I’ve identified the source of all those mysterious leg bruises.

                        How many things are on your key ring?

                        Do you have a mystery key?

                        Posted by: bright1mike | February 11, 2009

                        Diary of a Laid-Off Auto Worker

                        Hello Internet,
                        Today was an interesting day. Tomorrow I find out whether or not I’ve been approved for EI a.k.a. unemployment.
                        I’m not saying I need money, but today I looked into my cupboard and had to decide which can, of my seven cans of vegetables, would be my lunch. I chose to mix a can of wax beans with a can of corn kernels. It was delicious.
                        Tomorrow I get paid from Chrysler, the last paycheque I’ll receive for two weeks. Congratulations Chrysler you’ve made me resort to eating canned vegetables with a smile on my face.
                        “Mmm good corn kernels, you can barely taste the tinny goodness.”
                        I don’t have a problem with my employer, I understand that this is a volatile economy and things definitely could be worse. I could be completely out of a job.
                        My problem is that EI knows I’m a student, that my employment is contingent on this fact and still my approval has been pending for a month and a half. I’ve only worked five shifts since December 3rd.
                        That amounts to 40 hours worked in two months. That is not enough to cover my bills. I have an apartment, car, cell phone and dog (all are definite necessities – especially Jasper, his floppy face makes my day).
                        I have been hoping for anything just to help cover my credit card bills from Christmas.
                        For lunch tomorrow I’m going to have a bologna sandwich and a refilled bottle of water.
                        Luckily I’m fortunate to have parents who offer help and although I am very reluctant, I ultimately have to accept when I’m backed into this kind of corner.
                        I feel for my co-workers, especially those who have much larger responsibilities than I do. I couldn’t imagine trying to take care of a family in this economic environment. I seriously feel bad for the position this puts many of them in.
                        A friend of mine at work, a fellow student, was denied his unemployment and he has only worked three shifts, two less than me. He gets to school by sneaking onto the subway, the last time I saw him, he could have used a haircut.

                        Please, Internet world, do not think this is a rant or me being a whiner. Actually this is me asking for help from anyone. I’m a very hard worker. I’m high out-put and low-maintenance.
                        Dear Internet I need a job, any ideas?

                        Posted by: bright1mike | January 28, 2009

                        What is Shotgun

                        My  blog is my opinion. I’ve never written a blog, but I have had opinions.

                        Opinion the first: The Shotgun Rule (for vehicles)

                        I know everyone has a different opinion, a “house rule” if you will, depending on who is driving the car.

                        But shouldn’t there be a universal rule that everyone follows? I think yes and so do you.

                        So world, if that is your name. Now is our chance to settle this once and for all.

                        Shotgun can only be called when the vehicle in question is in eye shot. If there is an instance of a tie, the passengers must race to the vehicle. The winner of the shotgun will then be the person who touches the door handle first.

                        If a person is physically unable to race to the vehicle a game of “Rock-Scissors-Paper” in a best of 3 series will determine the winner.

                        That’s the rule. Learn it, love it and use it.

                        You can’t call shotgun before you leave the house. Are you ridiculous? You can’t call shotgun two days in advance. That’s just dumb.

                        So congratulations world, you ticked me off with this absence of a rule for the last time.

                        What absence of rules tick you off? Let me know.

                        When the world gives you opportunities, you make rules so you always win.

                        Just wanted you to know.

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